I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
