I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
how does that bad decision feel?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize