guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
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