I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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