he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
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