Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
