i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize