i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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