okay pat passed out under dana's car
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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