he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
