Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
