The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Randomize
