i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Randomize
