two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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