You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
