I haven't been this sober since birth.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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