I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Randomize