I wish my penis had an off switch
I looked at my own cervix.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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