wrigley field is MILF paradise
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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