So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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