Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
