One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
