I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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