I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
