Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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