i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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