apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
