that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
