I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
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