Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
