My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
