your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
