My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Randomize
