When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
