i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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