I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
