Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
