Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Randomize
