If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
