What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
3 2 1 whiskey
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Randomize
