I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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