You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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