Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
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