come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
