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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
