Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Randomize
