I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
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