Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Just cropdusted the office
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Randomize
