the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
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