Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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