I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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