you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
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