I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
