Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
