Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
