worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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